To put off rushing round the shops, glassy-eyed and panic tinged (I've run out of wrapping paper - aarrrggghh) I thought I'd have a festive browsing session instead (as you do) and came across this, which made me smile - not laugh you understand. I'm far too frazzled for laughing at the moment...
"Christmas Cake Recipe
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
4 large eggs
Bottle of Vodka
2 cups of dried fruit
1/.. Sample the vodka to check quality.
2/.. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3/.. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
5/.. Turn on the electric mixer.
6/.. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
7/.. Add one teaspoon of sugar.
8/.. Beat again.
9/.. At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK.
10/..Try another cup ... just in case
11/..Turn off the mixerer.
12/..Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup and dried fruit.
13/..Pick fruit off floor.
14/..Mix on the turner.
15/..If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
16/..Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.
17/..Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
18/..Check the vodka.
19/..Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20/..Add one table.
21/..Add a spoonful of sugar, makes the medicine go down
22/..Greash the oven.
23/..Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
24/..Don't forget to beat off the turner.
25/..Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and go to bed."
Might give it a try later ;)
This raised an amused eyebrow as well...
What not to say if he buys you tacky underwear for Christmas...
- If I hadn't recently shot up three dress sizes, this would fit perfectly!
- These are like the ones my ex bought me - but cheaper.
- Thanks. Now all I need is a tattoo.
- Ooh, I hope this never catches fire or we'll all be dead.
- You're so funny! Now what have you really got me?
- They might look nicer if I put my glasses on.
- To think -- you bought me these the very year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
- I really, really don't deserve this.
I've never been bought tacky underwear (can't decide whether or not to be offended by that) but it did make me think of my worst ever present. Aged eleven, I received a pair of brown, polyester trousers, straight out of of my paternal grandmother's wardrobe. Really. She hadn't even washed them - they had a stain on the knee. Top that!
Right, I can put it off no longer. Time to join the March of the Last Minute Christmas Shoppers. Wish me luck...