Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The Wheels on the Bus have fallen off...

Horror of horrors, I was asked to assist with the aforementioned Bounce & Rhyme session at t'other library this morning. Unable to fake my own death - or even feign deafness - at such short notice, I had no choice but to help.

Don't get me wrong, I like children ( I used to be one) but I prefer them in small doses. Children en-masse scare the M&S support pants off me and, like animals, they can sense it. As soon as their beady little eyes settled on me knowingly, I guessed there'd be trouble.

Sure enough, as soon as the Big Story Book came out they started swarming all over it, snatching and pawing while I peeled them off one by one, horribly aware of the Mums weighing me up. Also, I had no idea how hard it would be to keep a smile pinned on with a Full Nappy under my nostrils.

Luckily, there was no sign of Experimental Mum today so there was no bashing, but Chav Mum was in full flow, charming her neighbour with tales of her 'arsehole' boyfriend, which were actually quite interesting (he's a 'waste 'o space, but a kid needs a farver). Her son, meanwhile, was being a bear - clawing the air with his hands and making horrid growling noises throughout Old MacDonald Had a Farm (ee-i-ee-i-oh-my-god-make-it-stop.)

The manager signalled something to me with her eyes, which I hoped meant 'Let's get outta this joint,' but actually meant Time to Open the Fun Box (matron). Out came the cuddly toys and rattles, followed by a fracas over who should have what and why and plenty of 'ooh be careful, you could have someone's eye out with that loves.' Songs n' Actions was rounded off with a fist fight as we wrestled the toys back into the Not-so-Fun-Anymore Box, because they're Not Allowed to take them home.

In the middle of all this merriment - somewhere between belting out Ten Green Bottles and longing for a trapdoor to open - someone wanted a poo, someone needed a nappy change, someone screamed blue murder, someone tried to poke my eye out, someone thwanged DVD's all over the floor, someone made a break for the door, someone asked me for my watch and someone had a nervous breakdown.

Thank God it's all over 'til after the summer holidays.

18 comments:

JJ said...

Oh dear, yes I remember this kind of thing very well. It sounds like you got the short straw there!

Lily Sheehan said...

That sounds like one dangerous job you have there. Where do I sign up? - it makes for great writing material. I can't wait to have a little horror of my own one day!

HelenMH said...

Ah, it sounds just like my job ... except in my job, they're teenagers.

Anna said...

oh, what a day!!

SpiralSkies said...

Have you ever considered becoming a lion-tamer instead?

*Chuckles heartily and dabs at eyes a bit*

Annie Bright said...

That is all so true!!

Thank you for starting my Thursday with a chuckle. :-))

TOM FOOLERY said...

Clarkey, next time get the library to in(vest) in some straight jackets and superglue! (Works with teenagers - only joking)

I hasten to add that your testing day resulted in some great writing material - very funny :) Tommox

Honeysuckle said...

Apart from the odd black eye and nervous breakdown tho', isn't it great that libraries offer free entertainment to tots?

Fionnuala said...

Wow, nothing like that ever happens at my library! ANd when my girls were little we took them to the library to get books and pay our fines - where are the lion tamers when you need them!

Kerry said...

Crikey! Rather you than me - though maybe just one day a week it would be quite fun. You've got to agree it beats lassoing spreadsheets for a living!

Tam said...

"Not So Much Fun Anymore Box" - You do make me chuckle, Karen! I think you can get stun guns and cattle prods online. If you order now you should be well armed for September...

Bernadette said...

What I want to know is why there are other people who have regular columns in magazines when you haven't got one? Of course, we'd all have to pay to read your stuff then, so maybe it's not such a good idea.....

Milla said...

have meme'd you - but you don't have to do anything as know it is tiring! Just to say I included you in one of my Greats list!

Debs said...

What a nightmare day, and I thought my job was tiring. Was funny to read about though. Sorry.

Ernest de Cugnac said...

"... and someone had a nervous breakdown."

That'd be you, then?

KAREN said...

jj - I must remember to say no next time!

lily - When you do, don't take it to the library! Just kidding - they're normally lovely at the branch I usually work in :o)

helenmh - You mean it doesn't get any better?!

anna - I definitely slept well last night!

spiralskies - Lion-taming would be a doddle in comparison. Mind you, babies don't have sharp teeth...

annie bright - It's funny how one misbehaving sets the others off!

honeysuckle - I'm all for putting a stop to it myself. Not really - it's a shame we stop during the summer holidays though...isn't that when they need entertaining more??

fionnuala - Oh the arguments over fines. We hug and kiss customers who just pay up without making a fuss!

kerry - Hmmm - maybe I'll give the lassoing a go before I decide :o)

tam - Ooh, a stun gun. Now that could be useful and not just for the toddlers!

tommo - Straitjackets are a great idea. I wouldn't get much work done though...

bernadette - I'd LOVE a regular column, but I can sort of say what I like on here which is better :o)

milla - That's so kind! If I could write half as well as you and E I'd be a happy woman :o)

debs - I must admit it was only half a day, so I've got nothing to moan about really! (blushes)

ernest - Only a small one. I was over it by tea-time :o)

KatW said...

I shouldn't laugh but......sorry had to have a giggle, your library experiences are written so funny. I think the Mums sound far scarier than the kids!! Kat :-)

auntiegwen said...

sorry I'm showing up so late but this made me laugh so much, I used to be a nursery teacher and I remember bringing out the storysacks so well !!!

sometimes it'd be easier to nail jelly to the wall

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