Look at my new recipe for coconut flapjacks. I know what you're thinking. You've made me hungry - I must have one.
Okay, so they went wrong. You probably can't tell. I chucked the ingredients into the pan earlier, after shooing the Teens off to school and feeding the dog, then I sat down at the computer and didn't come round until a - what can only be described as life-threatening - smell of burning brought me to my senses and sent me hurtling into the kitchen. Poor Molly-dog was slithering around on her tummy with a damp tea-towel wrapped round her face, telephone in paw as she tried to get through to emergency services. Alright, she wasn't, but you get the picture. (She did give me a disapproving look though.) The smell was so bad it seeped, inexplicably, into my sock drawer upstairs.
Anyway, I charged about, eyes watering, swearing a lot and threw the pan in the sink and stared into it, dismally, realising I didn't have enough ingredients for another batch. I wondered if this was a metaphor for my writing...
It wasn't. Thank God. If it had been, I'd have to seriously think about giving up and going back into full-time office work. Or one of the many other not-really-me-but-I-need-to-earn-a-crust jobs I've had over the years. No, instead I found myself thinking, "It's all their fault. Those blummin' bloggers, with all their witty, pithy, clever, amusing, interesting, informative and downright distracting...well, blogs for want of a better word - posts, maybe. Articles? Commentaries? Columns? Features? Crowd-pullers...step away from the Thesaurus ...
If it wasn't for them I'd be scoffing a tasty treat right now, before moving onto Chapter Five of The Novel, instead of rummaging about in the bin-bag round the side of the house, in my dressing-gown, looking for left-over cake crumbs like a fox with a sweet tooth - my writing life in ruins. Ruins, I tellsya!
Talking of making excuses (which I suspect I am) my son came home from school with an amusing little printout the other day - the best of which was... "Sir, I'm having a problem with my eyes. I can't see myself coming in to school/work any more."
(This is the kind of thing they do at school these days...the Internet has a lot to answer for).
Warning: if you try this, you'll be expelled/sacked
Right - where was I? And who can I blame?